How many times have we heard things like, “Don’t take it personally” or “Keep your feelings out of it” when on our career path? It is said that women are naturally more emotional and relationship-oriented, which I wholeheartedly agree with as I have no shame in admitting that I am exactly that and being so does not make me any less of a woman because I have learned to manage my emotions. And trust me when I say that I am still learning and like everyone else, I have my moments.
Nonetheless, I have been thinking about how sometimes I would often confuse controlling my emotions with allowing my emotions to build up as a result of not wanting to confront anyone. Oftentimes we may confuse communicating how we feel with being powerless and vulnerable which is totally not the case. In my journey of womanhood, the most crucial component to my growth as a woman has been the ability to effectively identify and communicate how I feel to whomever I need to at the moment.
Like most of us, I grew up in an environment where telling someone how you really felt was considered giving away your power. Thus, I would walk around with all this built up emotion which would usually erupt in a flaring temper where I would act out, break down, shut down and the cycle would inevitably repeat the next time I exploded. As I grew older (and with the help of my best friend), I recognized that that sort of behavior was highly dysfunctional and I had to learn to communicate with others more effectively or else I would never be able to keep long-lasting, healthy relationships.
Consequently, I started doing just that and, boy did my life change! However, I made this mistake of thinking that because I changed; everyone around me would also change. Haaaaa!!! Funny right? I would see others doing exactly what I would do and I would try to encourage them to communicate, to articulate what it is that they are really feeling to have others understand their viewpoint in the best way possible. I would notice things like passive aggressive behavior along with simply not confronting others or not holding others in their lives accountable for their actions. Eventually I realized that it would be up to them to change so I have learned to wash my hands of people who are committed to misunderstanding. I try to lead by example and so should you.
What’s my point?
If you are one of those people who has trouble confronting others or expressing how you truly feel then I want you to start to think of ways to change that. Part of the essence of being a woman, is being able to appropriately deal with confrontation and articulately communicate your standpoint in any and every circumstance. The first place you can begin is to get to the root of what you are feeling and identify what it is that you are experiencing. For example, anger is a secondary emotion that is rooted in pain. The next time you are angry, try to identify what or who it is that has hurt you.
We have to learn to be clear on our communication with others and be able to confront others while holding them accountable for their actions. This does not mean a yelling match or hurting others out of your hurt because I need us to all become better communicators – especially in our jobs and in our homes. If someone at your job has done something to offend you or is taking advantage of you then say something to them clearly and calmly. If someone in your life has done something to hurt you then tell them – do not tell every other person but the person you have the issue with. We cannot continue to walk around acting like nothing ever bothers us because that’s just an explosion waiting to happen – I used to be a walking volcano so I know!
Now don’t begin to allow your emotions to rule over you but there are instances in your life where your emotions are valid and you have every right to express yourself. If you have a great idea that you want to share at your next team meeting, then say it! We have to understand that we have power in our voices and we have to use them correctly. Speak your mind while saying it simply and simply saying it. This is not your excuse to be rude or nasty but this is a call for us to speak up when it’s time to speak up! There is a difference between controlling your emotions and just sweeping them under the rug. Be confident enough in you to stand up for yourself with class, grace and dignity. You are indeed worth it!
I pray that this was able to help someone today. Remember to say it simply and simply say it 🙂
XOXO,
Maria I. Melendez
@embraceherlegacy