I know you’re probably familiar with something called an “a ha” moment. Oprah coined the phrase a few years ago and according to Dictionary.com it is a point in time, event or experience when one has a sudden insight or realization.
I’ve had many of these moments as I’m sure that you have as well. Nevertheless, this past weekend I had one of those moments that was not just an “a ha” moment but this was a defining moment. I had a sudden realization that took so much unnecessary weight off of my shoulders. Not only did it hit me, but I know that it’s probably something many of the women I know and motivate need to know.
While watching Iyanla Vanzant’s, Iyanla Fix My Life, she said something powerful to someone she was counseling.
She says “It is unkind, it is unloving to yourself to be hard on yourself when you are learning to do something that no one has taught you to do.”
How many of us are learning to do something that we’ve never learned how to do, nor have we had it modeled for us, nor do we have access to resources or relationships to get it done and yet and still, we beat ourselves up for not getting it right, every time.
Beloved, don’t be unkind or unloving to yourself any longer.
How many of us were raised by a broken generation where our mothers may not have shown us the tools and resources to become women? How many of us really know about womanhood or manhood when generations before us may not have known much about it either as they were raised by another broken generation? We may know how to cook, pay our bills, work hard, be responsible, clean our homes and be “strong” – which in times can be a curse as we think that being “strong” is acting like we have it all together, all of the time no matter how ugly the situation really is. Is that really strength? And then we wonder why so many of us are breaking down. Did you know that suicide is the leading cause of death for millennials?
Or better yet. How many of us grew up in an environment where there was no such thing as going after your dreams? How many of grew up neighborhoods where we were surrounded by poverty or hopelessness? How many of us have grown up in homes where working for a job that you hate but pays the bills for 20 years in order to get a pension and retire is considered the creme de la creme of the American dream?
How many of us come from broken families where we never witnessed a healthy marriage relationship? How many of us grew up in hostile environments where there was abuse or addiction that tore your childhood apart?
So now here you are…25, 30, 35, 40 years later trying to learn how to become a woman where what may informs your perception on womanhood may be your upbringing, pop culture or social media. But what if the philosophy that you’re learning from is a philosophy based on failure? How can you really learn about womanhood when you may have not had anyone to teach you?
Perhaps you’re trying to break the chains of generational poverty and you’ve decided to build a business. You’re all about making your dreams come true – no matter how hard it gets. Of course you’re going to make mistakes along the way! You’ve never had anyone model that for you so why are you going to be unkind to yourself and beat yourself up when you miss the mark?
You may be trying to or want to raise children in a healthy, happy home. You want to be a fabulous wife and a powerful mom – but you never even witnessed something like that. Of course, you’re going to make some mistakes girl!
I know that as a woman, we can be so hard on ourselves. Our greatest enemy are the thoughts that debilitate us into remaining broken, little girls because many of our mothers and fathers are broken girls and boys who did the best that they could with what they had.
I want you to forgive yourself. I want you to forgive yourself for expecting to have all the answers about everything. I want you to forgive yourself for thinking that you need to have it all together, all of the time. I want you to stop being hard on yourself as you learn to do something that no one has taught you how to do.
No one may have taught you how to be a healthy, confident, whole woman of faith. No one may have taught you how to think, speak and attract success. No one may have taught you how to be a great mother. No one may have taught you how to become a wife. No one may have taught you how to build a powerful business or how to build a financial legacy of wealth.
But guess what? You’ve decided to do it! And as you learn, you’re going to be able to teach, mentor and guide others how to do what you’ve done. That’s going to be your legacy!
So if you don’t know anything about scaling a business then read books about it and attend conferences. If you don’t know about having a healthy, happy marriage or anything about being a wife (not a girlfriend as there is a HUGE difference), then set up coffee dates with women who can guide you. You can actually listen to my latest podcast episode on Becoming a Wife here. If you don’t know about building wealth then download podcasts on wealth building or watch helpful YouTube videos.
Go to counseling, therapy, get a coach, ask someone to be a mentor – start to do what you can to learn and become the woman you’ve been predestined to be. You can download my courses on womanhood, goals, positive thinking and join my private Embrace Her Legacy Facebook group here.
Then the best thing that you can do is to simply pray and ask God for help. God loves you and is on your side. The very hairs on your head are numbered by Him! Ask Him to help you learn to do whatever it is that you’re trying to accomplish. He may often allow a circumstance that He’ll use as a tool to help you grow.
Once you pray, surrender it. God is not mad at you for the mistakes you’ve made along the way. He only has good thoughts about you! Yes, God only has good thoughts about you that can’t even be numbered – they outnumber the grains of sand! Did you catch that?
So if God only has good thoughts about you, I think it’s only right to have good thoughts about yourself. No more being unkind to yourself…
Maria I. Melendez
Founder & CEO
Embrace Her Legacy